Look Back, Move Forward
“January looks forward to the new year and back to the old year. He sees past and future.”
– M.L. Stedman
I woke up sick on January 1. And because I believe in signs, I had to look at the deeper meaning of why I woke up sick on the supposed new year. It was a purge. A release transitioning from 2022.
Being sick prevented me from participating in my annual rituals: write out my goals for the year on my whiteboard, open my gratitude jar and reveal all of the blessings I was grateful for throughout the year, do a vision board. I couldn’t do any of that when 2023 rang in. I had to go with the flow. That was a recurring theme that kept showing up in 2022. Go with the flow; give up control.
Turned out, after three years of making it through without getting C0V-19, it finally caught up with me (I’m still recovering from it). What a way to start 2023 huh? The Universe has a sense of humor and loves playing comedian with my life. Before 2022 ended, I told myself I didn’t want to go back to routine. I wanted to break bad habits that had become routine. Habits are hard to break. So…on January 1, there was no annual ritual to do; no routine. I was stuck in my bed with nothing but thoughts. Being bed ridden was a way for me to be still, reflect, and “go with the flow.” So I went back through my journal from 2022 to see where I began, how far I came, and where I was.
Follow the breadcrumbs
At the top of 2022 I attended my first sound bath meditation. I had been listening to binaural beats as part of my morning routine for many years prior. I stumbled upon different frequencies and the science of it while at a job I hated, trying to find meditative music to keep me sane while at work. There is a science with sound and healing, with sound and intentions. As a music buff, I know there is a connection with sound/music and changing your mood. My house is always filled with music. I wake up with music playing. I get dressed to it. I listen to it on my way to work. Music is the universal language. Music is a mood changer.
A few weeks after attending that sound bath, I suffered my first panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, it was that severe. After seeking help, turned out I suffered from anxiety. I never considered myself an anxious person but in retrospect, there were times where I was anxious but I didn’t think it had to do with anxiety per se.
Like trying to get to work on time because I had a difficult manager who didn’t understand the fickleness of public transportation. That anxiousness had me behaving like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland—a time watcher. Worn down by time and the pressure of time. Waking up on time, leaving the house on time and not a second later. Knowing how long it took to walk to the bus stop (7 minutes) in order to make the bus that would arrive in two minutes, in order to make the connecting bus which, the arrival time didn’t quite sync up and most times I either ran to catch it or just missed it, thus, I’d have to detour, run and catch a train, then connect to a bus, or walk 13 minutes to the job. I could not be one minute off on the time or the routine would be thrown off and I’d be late. I’d have to do this again when it was time to go home. It was exhausting.
When I think back, I was indeed anxious. I felt that energy in my bones, but still, I had no idea my time keeping was in relation to anxiety.
Equally, I had been repressing emotions for far too long. Holding stuff in, biting my tongue, not speaking my truth, not speaking up for myself, allowing others to speak to me unkind, swallowing my emotions, because it was better to avoid than to confront—I hated confrontation, yet, confrontation would arise because I would repress and then explode, then I told myself I would stop exploding and find a balance with using my voice by disengaging. Thus, the panic attack was the tipping point. I honestly believe I had a nervous breakdown, which, to me, a nervous breakdown is a release. The emotional shit bubbled up to the surface…it was a release.
That happened a week shy of my birthday. My sister gifted me a trip to the mountains of Vermont. It was exactly what I needed. A getaway, a reset. The mountain views, the fresh air, snow shoeing through the forest. Little did I know, it was the springboard to my healing journey.
By spring of 2022 I would take my second trip of the year to NOLA, me and a gal pal. It was my first time visiting. It was part turn up, part spiritual (we visited Congo Square and honored the ancestors), part “go with the flow,” and let the day take us where it would. I returned from that trip starting a new opportunity as a Grants Manager for a charter school. A Gill of all Trades is my part time business. I also work a traditional 9-5.
Stepping out of my comfort zone
By the fall of 2022, I’d find myself on hiking excursions and ziplining in the Berkshires. It was the most scariest exhilarating experience ever! I never once imagined I’d get the chance to experience ziplining. As much as I wanted to try it, I was not that brave to step out of my comfort zone. Go with the flow. That recurring theme I tell ya!
As I zipped my way on a 5500+ foot line, I slowed myself down to truly take in the breathtaking views of the scenery. Ziplining was a metaphor for slowing down and taking time to enjoy the views because life zips by so quickly.
I hiked 300 feet down to a beautiful waterfall and took in the majestic natural wonder. As the seasons changed, I would continue this “be one with nature” change in routine, attending hiking events followed by more sound bath meditations, visiting new places in my state that I hadn’t known existed.
Healing comes in subtle ways. So subtle you don’t even realize you’re on that path. I couldn’t tell you what was happening with me inward. All I knew was that I had a quest for something more, something different, and the more I got out in nature, the more I stepped out of my comfort zone, healing intertwined.
My healing journey brought forth other modalities to heal. Being out in nature, being in the mountains (mountain life is calling me), inhaling clean air in the forest, that by the time the winter months rolled around, I’d find myself purchasing crystal bowls and enrolled in a sound healing course—a phenomenal course that not only taught how to play the crystal bowls, but the science behind it, music theory and how it relates to the notes of the bowls, the business of sound healing, I mean I could go on!
I had come full circle from the top of the year attending my first sound bath, to enrolling in a course to become a sound healer. It was surreal. Unbeknown to me, attending prior sound baths were aiding in my healing and led me to this point in my healing.
I wasn’t looking to start a new business, or make anything out of taking the course, other than learning how to play the bowls so that I could heal myself. The more I practiced playing, along with the intensity of the assignments, a whole lotta emotional baggage would stir up. I thought I had healed, but I had only scratched the surface. The more vulnerable I became, the more truths revealed themselves and the more ish came up to be healed and manifested in physical ways. By December I wanted to quit the course. My energy was depleted. I wasn’t as excited about it as I had been when the course began in October. Interestingly enough, this is exactly what the Instructor told the class would happen (as I write this blog post, today is graduation day! I made it!).
Resistance is an opportunity to tap into yourself, but we don’t take the time to reflect on why we are resisting something. We avoid and carry on with our day to day lives instead. I had to tap into that resistance. I was being taken out of my comfort zone and I didn’t like it. That was my truth. I said I didn’t want routine in the way I was going about it, but change would entail being uncomfortable and healing is just on the other side of discomfort. I could either move forward, stay stagnant, or continue to resist stepping out of my comfort zone.
2023 is a seven year in numerology. It’s a time to connect, mind, body, spirit. To go within. As within, so without.
We’re still in the season of sowing seeds. The new year begins in spring, when everything we’ve planted begins to bud, to grow. I know January is the time where we make intentions and resolutions, but perhaps, January is the time to sit back, be still, reflect on the past so we can move forward with intention. The month of January is named for Janus, the Roman two-faced god of new beginnings, transitions, time, duality, doorways, passages and endings. Metaphorically, January is the link between what was, and what is to come. Janus’s two faces represent facing the past and facing the future. We have to fall back in order to spring forward.
“To know your future you must know your past,” George Santayana.
XO~Gillian
